Curious Minds Want to Know... My Sarcasm and Reflection in Response to Yet-another Email Attempt at Humor

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[Understand, I do not actually intend malice in my comments; but humor, including sarcasm, is often an effective medium for teaching, as well as catharsis.]

- Why do peanuts float in a regular coke and sink in a diet coke?  Go ahead and try it.

No thanks, both drinks are poison, white sugar and all artificial sweeteners (except Xylitol / Erythritol) are poison; cancer feeds off sugar, white refined sugar sucks other minerals and vitamins from the body, since all the nutrients from it have been removed, it works like a vacuum or magnet... it is acidic (as is CO2 in carbonated drinks) and creates an acidic environment, in which cancer also thrives.  If you drink 1 sugar soda a day, you will gain 15 lbs PER YEAR if you don't do EXTRA work or exercise to burn off those empty calories.  The most popular artificial sweeteners cause liver and kidney damage and even holes in the brain, not merely poor memory (but pour memory, if you have holes in your brain, I guess all that information has to leak out somewhere).  A pie pan with Coke (or presumably any soft drink) can be used as rat killer, since their bodies cannot metabolize the CO2 and they, I believe, will bloat and die a very painful death; supposedly State Troopers carry liters of coke in their trunk, and it is poured on the highway to dissolve blood after accidents; and supposedly a t-bone steak left in coke will dissolve completely, bone and all (but I don't know if this is true and don't waste a good steak to find out... if you have no other use for a left over t-bone, then by all means experiment, and all that is needed of the steak is the fat trimmings that you should not eat anyway).  Also, the chemicals in plastic bottles or aluminum cans leach into the soda (especially when stored at warm or hot temperatures, like inside a car, car trunk, non-airconditioned house or transport truck, grocery store, etc.  Also, the artificial preservatives, artificial colors, artificial textures, and artificial flavorings (including flavor enhancers cloned from aborted human fetus kidney tissue—regardless of whether it was a fetus kidney in 1970, even if the tissue is cultured in a petri dish, it is still human tissue and if you consume it it is still cannibalism!) are also mostly toxic and should be avoided at all costs.  Unplug your palate from poison and abominations.  Give you your addiction.  Just say no to poison, obesity, gluttony, and cannibalism and say yes to obedience to God and honoring His Temple that is merely on loan to you, which is not yours, but His. 

As most all "clever" things in emails, this declaration is poorly written.  Does it mean shelled peanuts or unshelled?  Really, that extra word "shelled" or "unshelled" was too linguistically advanced for this person to conjure up? 

- I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

I used to breathe air until I learned everyone who ever breathed air (except for Enoch and Elijah) died... so I figured, "What's the use" and I stopped breathing 1 minute ago.  I wonder if I will be any healthier for it...?  Of course, everyone who dies, knows that it is FAR BETTER to die of unnatural causes... but by all means, try both and then tell us which is better.

- Can you cry under water?

Crying under the water is not the hard part, inhaling more oxygen after the catharsis of a vigorous cry, and finding a tissue that holds up under water is the hard part.

- How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

First of all, I tend to ignore any person who cannot speak or write proper English.  "A person" is singular.  "They" is plural.  Sentences are to agree in number to avoid confusion.  We realize that will not solve all your problems, but it will prevent ADDITIONAL confusion in trying to read what you write, and it will prevent your insulting English speakers who are properly educated.  The rules are quite simple.  Perverse minds want to change the rules only works if cowards and fools jump into their perverse psychosis with them.  OPT OUT OF PSYCHOSIS!  OPT OUT OF PERVERSION!  What happens if a person, after he retires, now "identifies" with being TWO people at the same time, can he get TWO social security checks?  Why stop there?  What if he identifies with being 100 different people? or 7,000 and renames himself "Legion"...?

  However, the difference seems to be determined in the mind of the criminal, if he thought his ass-ass-inated victim was a "double-ass".

- Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it’s only a "penny for your thoughts"?  Where's that extra penny going?

You don't have to, it is optional.  If you feel compelled to, then you fit right in, in the modern taxation scam, in letting corrupt politicians extort you. 

The missing penny is like the 9/10ths of a cent on gasoline.  It is a tax, but you have seen through the Matrix.  The REAL question is, Will you take the blue pill and stay asleep or the red one and see the truth knowing things can never be the same again...?"

Politicians tax everything... my how some people just don't understand corrupt politics and banking.  But, don't worry, help is on the way.  This should counteract, at least slow down inflation, until the minus-penny and minus-nickle and other minus-coins and minus-dollar-bills are invented.  The non-cents (nonsense) / zero-cents (zero sense) coin.  Actually, this bimbette should be on the -.50 cent coin, which would be Anti-currency, since she is anti-intellectual.

(In reality the negative-cents coins and bills are that all we have... because there is no real value to back them, all the coinage in circulation and all the gold in Fort-Tough-Knocks has been pilfered, thus, all currency is actually negative, that is, it is DEBT.)

- Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

This really is so moronic it's not actually even semi-funny to anyone who understands the Bible, so no further comment is needed other than,
instead of trying to be funny (which you are not), why don't you actually read the Bible and learn what needs to be done to assure you actually get to heaven, instead of then wondering if the clothes that you are buried in will be treated with an eternal fire-proofing chemical (which they won't be, but don't worry, your birthday suit will last forever, and realizing that you are naked will be the least of your problems).

What disease did cured ham actually have?

 NONE... and that is merely one tragedy of the delusion; the greater issue is that it is a sin against God, for it pollutes your body which is HIS Temple, which was made in His Image, and it introduces parasites and toxic DNA that cannot be made unabominable... of course, most "Christians" believe in a mythical, ever-changing god, in order to justify their pet sins; and that is why not only are they unhealthy, but God does not hear their prayers.  It's not merely a menu choice.  God calls it and all other things in the "forbidden" list "sin" and "abominations" and sin and abominations never become "wonderful lifestyle choices".  All sin and abominations are the same and never change from being sin and abominations.  Those who think they do are under Strong Delusion and don't know the Voice of the Shepherd they claim to be theirs.  But one day he will separate the sheep from the goats (one tell-tale sign of a goat... oddly enough, they all smell like pigs...!)

- How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Well, it remains to be proven that we actually put a man on the moon (not that I believe we did not, but there are many who don't and there does seem to be some interesting evidence), but a thousand questions like this can be asked, such as why it took several decades (40 years or so?) after the invention of canned food, before the can-opener was invented?  The answers are usually economic factors following laws or principles such as "cost and demand", and an inventor having money or connections to actually get his idea noticed.  Also, airports were often not so huge and people not so lazy and spoiled that carrying his own suitcase a short distance was tantamount to slavery.  Also, trying to drag more than one suitcase is a bit like trying to walk several different dogs on their own leashes.  That's why luggage carts were invented, which are much easier to push; and can hold several bags at a time.  By the way, the can opener was invented so late because canned food was originally only for rich people, most of whom had their own chefs who opened the cans with a hammer and screw driver, so why should the rich care about making the job of their domestic help easier?  Now canned food is usually eaten by those who are at the lowest end of the economic scale (and ironically, macaroni was originally a new pasta for the wealthy, and now, it is a food staple of the lowest class, using even the lowest class of cheese, which can barely even be called cheese, without being guilty of paramount dishonesty).

- Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

The FULL version of that humorous bit is, "As we get older we revert back to childhood, now that I am old I sleep like a baby; I sleep for a few hours, wet the bed, and wake up crying".  The answer is that while sometimes the slightest sound will wake a baby up, other times babies are in such a deep state of sleep that nothing can wake them up.  Children are the same way, so are cats and dogs and teenagers.  It all depends on the stage of sleep, general health (teething, rash, infection, etc.), having had a good meal, and other factors (mood, temperament, environment, etc.).  Also, the "sweet sleep" of a baby is actually internalized by the parent who is relieved (for the parents' sake as well as the infant's) when a baby is finally sleeping, and thus no longer sxreaming.  Like that typo?  I do.  I decided to leave it and hopefully start a trend.  Hopefully I can get royalties off it, like Warner/Chappell Music acquired Birch Tree Group Limited in 1988 for US$25 million, and therewith, the rights to the song, "Happy Birthday To You", and therefore, thought that they should get royalties each time someone sang the song.

- If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Again, this is the result of a toddler trying to use an adult brain.  A deaf person, in court, is not the only person in the courtroom.  Everyone else, presumably, still has functioning ears.  It would only cease to be called a "hearing" if everyone there were deaf—and if some perverse liberal started a campaign to change the name to something that would not be "oppressive" to deaf people; but at the same time, not be insulting to blind people ("Court Sighting"—which, in today's age of injustice, would be rare if a true court of law were sighted), or people without the sense of touch ("Court Feeling"—which, in today's perverse society could also mean something entirely different that may actually, if there is any justice at all, result in a court hearing; or as is modernly the case, people judging the law by their "feelings" rather than the Constitution and Common Law).  It may also stop being called a "hearing" if deluded, psychotic people (who think that there are dozens and dozens of senses, not just 7, or those persons who think that their sense of sight identifies as being sound, so that their eyes actually hear, if they are even still called eyes, etc.) have their say in the matter.

- Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

I don't know.  If I am ever IN or ON EITHER, you will be the first person I contact.  In reality, to someone who can think, it appears that "in the movie" refers to the production itself, "in a screenplay", whereas "on" refers to the actual medium of presentation, which would equally be "on t.v." or "on the silver screen" or even "on stage", "on DVD", etc.

- Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Initially to try out a new invention; thereafter, it is based on the unshakeable hope that eventually someone will invent a pair of those coin-operated binoculars that are actually worth putting a coin into; thus, the purpose is to reinforce the belief that some things never change (though now it may cost 12 quarters instead of one, because the dollar of today is worth about .02 cents of what it was worth in 1910.  But not everyone pays for the stationary pay-binoculars.  Most pay to access the roof of a tall building for the view itself, the panorama viewed from the height.

- Why do doctors leave the room while you change?  They're going to see you naked anyway. 

 It's a little thing called "modesty" and another called "dignity", which people should attempt, at all costs, to preserve as much as possible; but also because doctors have far-better things to do than watch you undress and see you naked any longer than actually necessary.

- Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Some people actually like their toast burnt.  It could equally be asked why toasters have such a setting on the other end of the spectrum that is so light that it merely mimics the bread having been left on the counter exposed to the air for 2 days?

- Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

Can it? —of course.  Even a single person on a motorcycle "can".  Do you mean, Is it "lawful"...? (which, I know, requires use of an adult word).  Well, if you are the corpse in the coffin then I don't think you really have anything to worry about.  As far as I know (but it may differ from state to state and the current state of insanity of each state) I don't think that the law specifies living person or dead person.  I believe that the only time it would be a crime is if the only person in and driving the car was the dead person in the coffin, but again, I think he would have nothing to worry about.  Everyone else would have to begin to wonder if the Zombie Apocalypse is actually a valid threat.

- If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

Very good question (jettisoning the notion that it was a slapstick comedy t.v. series and not reality, but as long as we attempt to think on your level), most probably because if your coconut radio goes terribly awry, you have little chance of drowning or being eaten by sharks.

- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

It is not made from babies (but, seeing how Christendom is going... just wait, one day it may be!)... and neither is it made from minerals, which is its other name: "mineral oil"; it is made from petroleum.  So those parents who used it on their babies (which is the reason it is so called, because a manufacturer found a novel name for a better way to market and sell his product) thinking that it is "natural" are sadly in error (unless you consider "petroleum" natural, which, while it is, does not quality as "natural" in the context in which a product intended for the human body is honestly meant).  On the other hand, if oyster sauce is made from oysters why isn't duck sauce made from ducks? (and it is not really all it is quacked up to be, sugar and fruit juice, artificial coloring, and preservatives); but again, exercising a few brain cells reveals that some things are called based upon what they are made of, while other things are called based upon what they are used on.  And, for those who missed this wonderful news, do not buy anything that says, "Natural Vanilla Flavor".  Only buy if it says "Natural Vanilla Bean".  Some perverse scientist (who must have been licking a beaver's butt) discovered that beaver anus tastes like vanilla and beaver anus  (unless it is a skunk that had a species change operation because it "thinks" that it is a beaver and so "identifies") is indeed "natural" and therefore, beaver anus (in the minds of the other anuses we call corrupt politicians) agreed; instead of demanding that companies in charge of the nation's food supply honestly label and identify their products, instead of hiring teams of lawyers to bribe politicians and deceive everyone!

- If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Not usually, but in your case we will recognize an exception and find you guilty as "charged".

- Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Do you know a little word called "research"...?  That might be the more practical course of action instead of as an adult, continuing to say, "Daddy, why is the sky blue?  Daddy, why is it called a crowbar?  Daddy, when will be be there? I have to go to the bathroom..."  As you ponder the overwhelmingly important mysteries of the universe, if they are actually of the same class and quality as this one, let your little secrets go to the grave with you, and you can die with the satisfaction that you hoarded it all and no one else will ever know.

- Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Are you really clueless?  Because you just made an assertion and since your track record of intelligent thought is open to debate, the intelligent reader will want to verify for himself the veracity of the profound, earth-shattering truths that you express before passing them on to others as fact.  But, since you are actually correct this time (at least for the first few bars, and not having the sheet music of the entire songs before me, and not knowing "WHY", since you don't seem to know how to do any research, next time I am in the middle of a philosophical, theological, political, or psychological debate, I will be sure to try to find some way to smoothly segue it into the conversation.  Please email me your name and credentials so I can properly give you credit.

- Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? 

My dog never got mad.  Maybe you just have bad breath (and it is even worse in an enclosed car...!) and no one wants to tell you... and your breath must be pretty bad considering what dogs generally like to sniff, lick, and roll on.  May I suggest Listerine?  If that doesn't work, maybe an astronaut space helmet?


By calibrating it to his sundial.